I'm writing this at 2.30am in an attempt to rationalise the thoughts going through my head, and to re-boot my brain so that I can sleep.

I am troubled by a vision, in fact a realisation that my company is no longer viable and will shortly cease to exist. I have been unable to pay two of the staff for October, and will shortly have a sub-contractor invoice that I cannot meet either. My own salary has been frozen now since August in an attempt to patch up what has been a leaking ship for months.

It would be unfair to say 'since D left', but I think that is the reality of it, though the writing was on the wall before then and hindsight tells me that he knew it and timed his jump.

The nail in the coffin as far as my conviction and confidence are concerned is the request to reimburse the £7500 that we were overpaid last September when duplicate invoices were issued for one of the cruise terminal contracts. Though liability for this was written into D's Transfer Agreement, he has denied all knowledge and laid the blame squarely at my door.

I do not know which way to turn, and feel that I stand here this evening between a rock and a hard place, with a gun against my head and a knife in my back.

I no longe rfeel able to take on any more personal debt to relieve the pressure on the company, bacause I really don't think we are going to survive nd so I will end up with debts tha I can't meet personally. I feel I must depend on the limited status of Walking Distance, and ensure that no liability for anything within the company goes beyond that.
That is what that staus gaurantees after all.

I fear for the new build on the house too - while we can afford it with the inheritance, I am concerned that with no income myself henceforth, our mortgage payments are under threat. Thus I must keep all the credit I can open for as loong as possible in case we should need it until I find employment.

And there's more irony - having qualified with flying colours asa manager in June, and joined the CMI,I now found myself facing the prophesy that I am more employable outside my own company and in fact should be earning 'good' money somewhere else.

So it is not that I far 'the future', just that I fear the present.

Tonight is my walk up Calvary's hill, carrying the cross which I will raise and plant firmly on the ground before the staff at a meeting tomorrow afternoon. I fear that. I am anxious for my staff, and feel indebted to them for their creativity, loyality, friendship and endurance. I feel I have let them down, and I have been feeling that way for some time. For months I have considered myself to be the weak link in the chain, the one member of the company that is surplus to requirements. Actually worse. I feel that more recently my absence of mind and lack of confidence has been an undermining influence, holding back the others rather than driving them forward.

I am inclined to tell them this, to share the full force of both barrels with them. Each can then decide a course of action for themselves.

I am late with payments for a £10,000 print bill, and I have been trying to pay this in installments on a personal credit card. Tomorrow, I have to stop that, because that is beyond the call and outside the limited liability of the company. It skews the reality of the situation, and blurs my focus.
Instead, I need to talk to them about the account, and explain that we cannot meet their bill.

So be it...

Pray for me, the few of you that know.
I must remian strong, true to my stoic nature and cling to the self-belief that has brought me to this point.

I have a lot to thank God for, and feel He wants me now to celebrate that and to express more fully my faith and trust in him.

Yet not my will, but yours Lord.

Tonight, I bring before you my darkest hour.
Let there be light.

I lift my eyes up to the mountain
Where does my strength come from?