SInce the surgery on Thursday, things have been difficult. That's when I can get a handle on any kind of description. I'm not really sure that I've been entirely here or there since the weekend passed, and things have been dark and vague at home.
Six months ago she went for a routine smear test, which has to happen annually since some abnormal cells were detected about ten years ago. Invasive and uncomfortable enough. A biopsy at the time detected some cancerous cells.
The doctors then found that the 'abnormality' had re-appeared and wanted to do a colposcopy to investigate further. Thus they arranged for her to come back in six months time. Last Thursday.
It was during that investigation that they discovered the cells had spread and were looking particularly nasty enough to involve surgery. The diagnostic test was valuable and exposed an immediate need for surgery to remove a large part of the cervix with lasers and scalpels and all that malarky.
Ouch indeed.
Since then,she has been in so much pain and discomfort that she went back to the hospital today (bypassing the GP) only to discover an infection that has spread up inside.
Poor thing has been in tears almost every day since Monday night, can't sleep, is bleeding continually and has agonising stomach cramps.
She's totally exhausted.
I'm not great at being nurse, and she's not very forthcoming with complaints a s a patient, so its all got a bit awkward. Hence the long chat over several hours going into all the intimate details and exchanging how each of us feels about the other's response to the situation.
Helped talking to others too, especially Mum on Monday. Tx refused to stay home and rest, insisting that the kids all day on mu own is too much. She's a martyr to it sometimes, and that can be equally frustrating.
And of course I then find the lack of trust in me annoying, and feel that my offers of help are misguided!
Hey ho
Tonight's the first that I've not retired to bed at the same time, simply because I don't sleep anyway and its a nightmare for her with me fidgeting around.
So I stay up and get morose, or busy, or self pitying. Which is all wrong of course, but you can't help the way you feel sometimes. And I have so much to do with all the 'stuff'
But we feel much better for talking (as is always the way) and now we have cleared the air things are a lot more optimistic.
All my motivation for work has gone though, not least because of the tension in the office over the last couple of weeks. And now today there is more confusing and frustrating news. The p*rt authority have come out and explained that another, much bigger and national, agency has contacted them with an offer of significantly higher revenue that we can supply.
We can't compete with a national company offering £100K a year in commission!!! That's our targeted turnover for the project in this whole year.
Everything rides on someone else's decision, and of course that's not a great business strategy, which is why the rest of the company is so much more stable. And could be so much more viable.
It's a double edged sword that needs careful handling.
And I ever wanted to do was draw maps...