The ceasefire is holding.
In fact, it was only while out walking last night (why do I ALWAYS forget to take my notepad!!! The river was so beautiful) that I realized six weeks have now passed, at least, and I'm feeling rather pleased.
Can't say there haven't been moments, but they have been jsut that, and passed most often without a second thought.
Perhaps the emotions have been rather unstable lately as a result of this, but I expect it's just one factor. 25 years of battle is a long time, even if the last five have only witnessed sporadic gunfire and intense warfare has been rare. I have been close to this point so many times, but life is so busy and fulfilling right now, and I'm so tired I'm hardly aware of what it is I'm not doing.
Does that make any sense?
I certainly feel stronger when I do think about it, but I know it isn't going to just 'go away'. There are so many better, more constructive and spiritually fulfilling ways of coping with these long and sleepless nights.
Those who matter have come into brighter focus than ever.
This celibacy game is strengthening too. I can see things differently when I can be bothered to look.
We are so much more relaxed with each other. One problem I am uncertain of is precisely how I will react once Tx goes to the doctor in a fortnight's time and begins the IUS programme. A 'new' contraception that has been recommended to us, as effective as female sterilisation, which we considered briefly. This method involves a type of coil being fitted which releases hormones into the body?
It has prompted me to answert the calling to visit the clinic again and have another sperm count to see exactly what is going on.
But I'm scared to. Is that fair?
Since the vasectomy 18 months ago (April 2005) things have been very difficult and I have spoken to a couple of people about how disappointed I am about the lack of support and counselling you get afterwards. I have been struggling to adapt to its effect on me, which is far greater than I ever anticipated or was told about. It certainly wasn't the gateway to a more open and relaxed sex life - in act, I'd suggest the opposite.
How many times have I wished that all the feelings and emotions around sex would have been taken away too?? The whole lot - all the hormones, pheromones, erotic thoughts - everything.
…Broadcast me
Scrambled clean
Ah, free me from this flesh
…I want to be a machine
And then Nora's miraculous conception and the test results which indicated my fertility had risen again to 30% set me back further.
I can't express how fantastic it is to have Nora and all that she means to us, but conceiving her after a vasectomy was signed off all clear and within a week of resuming 'relations' was a massive shock to the system and has definitely caused a negative reaction in me that seems to get 'worse' everyday.
This explains I'm sure why I am enjoying the freedom of celibacy.
I am concerned that once Tx is 'sterile' and I am re-done, if that's the case, then I will start to run out of excuses.
This is all quite ridiculous and makes it sound as if I have a really negative attitude and experience of sex, which is far from the case.
That's what makes it all so hard to explain.
Surely if I don't miss sex and enjoy 'living without' as it were, this suggests I must have either been crap at it or had really bad experiences.
On the contrary.
I'm instead very aware of the tides of life and the changing needs we all experience.
Blimey.
I had no idea that I was going to write about this.
Cathartic, I suppose.
Here's to blogging...
