…But you wouldn't understand
You only see we're men

Today has been a crap day.
Not entirely sure why, but I'm writing this now with a tear in my heart and a desire to go for a very long walk in a daze.
Just ambling along through the night for miles.
I just washed 100 wine glasses after the event at church.
I was distant with my team.
I know nothng about wine and couldn't get into it at all.
Just wish I'd gone on the panel with C.
She knew it would have wrorked for me, and to spite myself I declined.

We have a new garage door.
All white and shiny.
And an empty pot of money that used to be called The Holiday Fund.

Trx and I tried to get "it" together last night but I so messed up. Again.
It's so hard to understand how much that stupid operation last year has cost us. No-one told me to expect anythng like the confusion and turmoil I've been thru, and the shattering of any last remaining remnants of sexual confidence.
I pray for some way to have sexual 'desire' taken away too, with the snip.
Without that, I think the transistion to adulthood would be so much easier.
I just haven't a clue what I'm doing, where to start and really wish I could explain how disappointing and frutrating this whole thing is.
make the feeling s go away too and everything would be fine.

Another speeding fine came in the post this morning.
That's six points on my license this year.

We have to go up and see Mum and Dad tomorrow.
She will ask again why I still haven't been back to the hospital for another sperm count.
"It might be alright now." No, how can it be.
I went from less than 1% fertile up to 10% in a couple of months.
I have an abnormally high level of fertility.
Oh, really?
It's not going to go down again now is it.

I have to go in, face the 'count' and book myself in for another op.
Like I 'm going to do that in a hurry.
Little point really, when the last thing I want is to have sex anyway.

Trx seems to be OK with it so far, but then she's...
Not going there. Can't be bothered tonight.

Walk? read? Drink? Music?

Sleep...?

Last night went over to the church for one of the most inspiried meetings of our little Building Committee.
Having got the church open for Easter for a fraction of the cost we expected, and having been given the all clear by the insurance company, we now have pretty much a green light to do whatever we can with the place.

We're making an inventory of things people in the past have shown an interest in and will open for National Heritage Day later in the year.
These things include

The Organ - our most prized possession, built in the 17th century and once played on by Handel
The two Norman Stone coffins
Some medieval wall tiles.
the architect also designed St Pancras Station and the Foreign Office ( I think)
We have a WW1 memorial

a reasonable start, and enough to put a small leaflet together.
I'm also getting some pictures taken whch we can turn into a set of postcards and/or greetings cards to sell at fetes etc.
There's a massive list of funding opportunities that CB is going to work through.
First job is to get enough money to replace the drainpipes (about £5K) and then see about getting a water supply connected and a small kitchen area set up in the vestry.

There are now working parties in the church most weekends and the place is beginning to sparkle and hum with new life.
I WISH I could make the time to join in, especially this weekend as we start to repair some of the damaged floor tiles in the nave, but we're away again.

Another job is to look at comparative hire charges and get some reasonable idea together of what we can expect to charge.