Day off work today and getting the packing sorted out.
Things are very tense.
Kids being over-silly and excited, Trx and I not communicating at all well.
I'm not sleeping, and keeping her awake.
We are very awkward with each other and unresponsive.

Here's hoping the holiday won't be the stressful nightmare we see it as right now.
There's issues about how well we will get on with the others, and the potential of having our family routines in the spotlight for a week.
It will be a tough challenge I think, but there is still a lot that I'm looking forward to and determined that we should talk ourselves back into a more positive frame of mind today.

We've just about used up all the surplus food in the house with some excellent bodge-up meals the last couple of days to leave the fridge pretty much empty.
Cat-sitter arranged and all their stuff cleaned up and sorted out.
Actually it isn't - I'm supposed to be doing this now but came online instead.
Mainly to confirm arrangements for Guthrie in Oxford when we get back - which has gone down like a lead balloon and isn't really very good timing.
Had too many beers with Murphy on Wednesday night, but we talked for miles and he's looking forward to meeting RH again at the gig.
Gave me a lot of insightful advice ont hings with the website, and I feel encouraged to go for it now.

Useful to rant to him as well about the office, and catch up on how he's (not) doing looking for a new job. He seems unconcerned tho and will find something easily I think once we starts to look.

Tied up lots of loose ends at the office yestreday and have managed to leave only one job over-running. We've picked up loads of leads for [b]pageone[/b] which I sent to print yesterday - should have 100 sites by the end of the year.
And a quick turnaround job on the leaflet for the new markets at Bargate. Only came in Monday and was signed off yesterday.
D is off into town today to meet CCM and pick up CASH for the job! ironically, we'll now have another £400 in a brown envelope to take to Wales which is now going to be too much money.

I've got to take LC to "the tea" this morning to see her friends while Trx finally gets to talk to a midwife.
Then load and pack the roofbox, go into town to pick up the poster site stickers and deliver these to work while picking up the camera and the cash at the same time.

We have lists everywhere and all is buzzing.
Hopefully we can get away by 9 in the morning and arrive sometime around five.

Brand new notebook waiting too, whichis always a nice feeling. The last one has lasted over a year since I started putting some of theses entries straight online. So there are big gaps in the book.
Somewhen I must print off the txtfiles I suppose and pin them into the book. It will be sad not to have hardcopy - near on 15 years I've managed now.
Weird.
My life in words.

Hey ho - gotta go. Things to do. thge next few entries will be catch up from written notes int he good old-fashioned way. Soon D and I have promised me a laptop and him a new machine for the office which will be instead of extra money in August time.
I look forward to that.

But then if I had a laptop, I'd be doing Foxx stuff on holiday, replying to all the emails that are coming in, writing more biog notes and updating the site.
What sort of holiday would that be for everyone else??

No phone and no computer for a week.
Mountains, birds and the sea instead.
A week of family time to settle and re-group.
Hardly a contest really is it.??

Thanks for dropping by, and everyone's support.
Back soon.

Came into the office htis evening to finish another favour for Lj and the washed up DK World Atlas, which is nearly done.
Another loose end.
Played thru the Nick Cave album "Nocturama" twice and was again stuynned by the quality of his voice and songwritng.
Cave is one of those artists who have always played only a minor part in my CD collection until the amazing moment five years ago when I saw him perform God is in The House on "Later". that was one of those breathtaking moments.
Up there with Bowie doing Starman on TOTP, Tubeway Army and Soft Cell's debut on the same, and the amazing Kate Bush on the Whistle Test doing Hammer Horror.
Cave makes me cry every time, and he is a man of utter genius.
Nocturama is a little easier listening than "No More Shall We Part" and does contain a couple of songs I don't like very much ("Bring it On" and "Rock of Gibraltar") but It's a Wonderful life brought me out of a melancholy sadness and back from the brink of despair. It made me sit up and think - stop wallowing in your own self pity, stop being so self indulgent.
Still not quite as good as The Boatman's Call, which I'd put in my Top ten Albums.
I wonder what they would be if I listed them this week??

ANother challenge in the office, and I'm not at all sure how to deal with this.
D has sold two adverts on the next issue of page one™ (August/Sept - June July goes to print tomorrow!!) to The Rhino Club and FYEO.
Table/pole-dancing/strip clubs. I did say before he went out that I wasn't sure I wanted them on the poster, but that fell on deaf ears. Now I have to deal with something that makes me feel very awkward.
My own sensitivities I suppose might be a little naive perhaps, but I can't help how I feel.
What worries me a bit more is what some of our loyal supporters in major hotels and family attractions who host the poster might think, and others in the council who have remained very loyal to us and love the way the poster is going. We have recently been OFFERED sponsorship by Leisure Services for the next couple of issues. I'm a bit worried these 'adult entertainment' venues might threaten that.
What particularly bothers me though is that this sale has been made by a member of the Council of Faiths, who meets regularly with religious leaders from across the city!
It's just another committee to be on and thing to be involved with tho, I have always felt that. D is what I would describe as a man who has religion (well, cultural identity at least) but no faith. It is very hypocritical that he should represent this organisation, and yet quite happily tells those of us that know him well that he thinks 'God is all bollocks.'
And therein lies a Big Thorny problem. Most of the time we can leave our religious differences aside at work quite happily. But, as I said, it's the hypocrisy that annoys me. If he actually believed and acted out the things he tells people down the phone then I would be more at ease.
One of the other problems I have is that knowing him for as long as I have, and being in the office while he's on the phone, I can see the reality that goes on behind the telesales veneer. I HATE it when he lies about what we've done when we haven't.

it ain't cool to say you've done what you ain't done
it ain't cool to count your blessings one by one
it ain't cool to say you're winning when another person's innings has begun
© Ian Dury, 1999.

I'm too cynical.
It's probably not that bad, but I am sometimes rather scared by the cavernous difference in our values.
It still comes across as a good balance, and in the world of business my honesty would have sunk us at the start.
But is that a good thing?
It's not as if we've built up a reputation on lies, but things aren't always described as they really are.

As a result of this, I have been confused all day, and made some embarassing errors on the Springwatch job for the BBC.
All ironed out now though, and they are delighted with the work.

Religion but no faith.
That's a very good way of putting it.

Discuss…

The story I related a week or so back about 'the right sort of pen' is a good example of something that I have come to call 'Doing a D*' when I relate some of my business partners extraordinary behaviour to Trx.
I suppose after four years I have some idea of what makes him tick, but its a fascinating 'study'.
Here's another example, from last Friday.

He's off for the day.
Sailing.
One of his friend's has a small dinghy moored locally.
(For a start he can't just take day off. We have to know why, where and al lthe details...)
Rang into the office at least three times for various non-reasons.
Like to get someone's phone number.

Hello -i it's me!
Oh. Hi. Are you OK?
Yeah - I'm in so-and-so's boat, just off thingy. It's cool. Bit windy but -

(So you're ringing just so that I know you're out sailing and I'm not?)

Listen. Can you get me so-and-so's number. I need to talk to them about thingy.
But you're sailing. Having a day off?
It's OK. I just need to know what time thingy is happening on whotsitday.
Can't you get it on Monday?
(Long pause)
What, what's that? I can't hear you. Go onto my database and look for...

(So he doesn't be overheard responding to being questionned)

Yes, I know how to, I just don't see why you need it.

(So you're ringing the office so the people you're sailing with can see how important you are?)
Lots of people do this.
Ring other people, wives, offices etc for no reason just to make themselves appear indispensable.
I don't get it.

Have a day off. Go away.
Like the saying goes, if I cared, I'd ask.
Sounds harsh, and I don't mean to be.
I just really don't need to know, and we can, surprisingly, manage perfectly well without you.
He has to ask Jo where she's been and what she's got in her bag whenever she comes back from lunch. And while she's out he reads all her emails.

I don't think that's right really, is it?

Anyway, that's "Doing A D".
There'll be others...

A new name has entered the picture.
We've been looking for a middle name to match the other girls, who are called Mary, Mabel and May respectively.
Two family names (her mum, my gran) and one that just sounded perfect when we fitted it with Elsi (my great aunt).

It should have been obvious, but not until reading from Luke (10:38 onwards) has the name Martha come into play before.
It's great. Of the right sort of period, solid pedigree, and begins of course with 'Ma'. There is no family connections that we are aware of, but that isn't too important.

Trouble is, it doesn't sit well with 'Dorothy' and that is favourite now by a long way. Until Sunday, it was Dorothy Grace.
Dorothy Martha Smith?
Not bad. I'll say it a few times.

Too many 'th'-ses???

Another meeting of the Church Fabric Committee tonight (I'm just writing up the minutes) but only two of us turned up so it was less than amazing.
And of course no-one has had a chance to do anything since last time, so we went over the same ground.
Levelled it a bit, and discussed a few new ideas.
Plan now is to actually implement some fundraising instead of just talking about it, write out a new Action Plan and get the ball rolling.
The theory is that once a few jobs get done (lightning conductor, ventilator/chimney thing, drainpipes...) these will generate some awareness of things 'going on' in the building.
It's in a very prominent position on a corner and with a bus stop outside, so lpts of people pass by and can receive subliminal messages over time.
Part of the problem is that I haven't received copy or pictures form the people who said they would send them to me last time!

Had CB on the phone before the meet, giving her apologies.
Seemed no real reason to do this, but she's clearly upset and reaching out again. I've been advised to stay well out of it - sounds horribly complicated - but I just want to get straight in there and have her talk it out at me! I'll reinforce my invite for lunch over the next few days, but it's really hard to know how to proceed. She was in tears on the phone and I could feel her pain, so there's obviously a lot going on again.

Then spend an hour and a half on the phone to my Big Girls, whose lives at the moment seem relatively calm and organised. Biscuit starts her A1s tomorrow and then has three weeks of intense exams. She's been to see the da Vinci Code at the weekend and thought it was "crap".
Kink is 'between boyfriends' again at the moment.
Seems she acted on my advice to dump the last one, which is scary and cool. Trouble is now, her attention has been caught by a guy whose already living with someone else.
She does like it complicated, that one.

Like her Dad, I suppose

You know how there are times when you see the same person over and over again during a short period and wonder why? And then just as mysteriously you don't see them anymore?
Last year, over the summer, there was the woman at the Farm when Stan stung his hand, who I then bumped into twice within a month.
There is a girl round here who caught my eye a week or three back with her amazing big long black hair, goth boots and generally striking and very sexy appearance. Just caught my eye as I cycled home one day - as these things do.
Noticed her again a day or three later around the shops, because she has a very distinct walk that is just a little too slow and she leans back just a little to far.
Then the weekend before last I was in the park with the kids and she came by, sat on a bench and just looked into space for a while. Looked amazing then too...
It's weird how this happens.
I went to Fopp today, and she was in there. At lunchtime in town.
With a mate, and she's probly a student. Carrying a folder - that's a clue
Then, b*gger me sideways with a pointy stick, I went to deliver some maps to a bookshop later on and she was in there too!

I've given up trying to understand - there may be absolutely no point to this whatsoever.

What a crappy wet yakky weekend.
It rained all day yesterday and is still p*ssing down now.
Hopefully the sky will be all rained out over the next few days...

Picked up the roofbox yesterday - its enormous, and we've started making out a list of 'stuff'.
Turns out we have to take our own bed linen - what a pain in the bottom that is!!
Bang goes all our extra space...

Shared out some very useful dividends today, and decided to take £500 of mine in cash.
Feels nice...
OK, so I brought diaries, scrapbooks and audio-stories (Roald Dahl, Postman Pan and Maisy!!) but I also had to get myself some music.
Essential in East Street really is closing down!
Shame, but to be expected sinc ethe arrival of Fopp in the High Street. They have some great bargains and loads of loss leaders for £5 which must make it very difficult for independent retailers to compete.

Today I picked up:
Nick cave - Murder Ballads
Nick cave - Nocturama
Kraftwerk - The Man Machine
The Wedding Present - George Best Plus.
one of the best albums in the history of everything. Saw them two or three times in the late 80s and I've never seen anyone play with so much energy, enthusiasm and humour. great to have this on CD at last. Includes such classics as
Nobody's Twisting Your Arm
My Favourite Dress
Give My Love To Kevin
Anyone Can Make A Mistake and the very wonderful
Shatner

Also been informed today that Shadowman has indentified one of the background tracks from the 'officialcathedraloceans' website that I downloaded and sent to him.
Turns out to be "The Projectionist" off the new album.

Speaking of new albums, I have also 'become' the proud owner of a limited edition copy of The Drift, by the mind-b*ggeringly wonderful Scott Walker. 4AD certainly kow how to package something - even if they do have only one design!
As I said in my review - "There won't be a better album released this year."
Heartbreakingly wonderful.
Mad as A fish,too of course.

Last year I missed this in favour of seeing Harold Budd and John Foxx in Brighton.
It's the first one for ten years that I haven't watched, so it was great to be back from the farm in time to watch the whole event yesterday.
Probably my only TV must-see night of the year.

I adore Eurovision, and it just seems to get better!!
This years was one of the best.

I love the glitzty kitsch, the patriotism, the silliness, the humour, the drama, the spectacle - the whole thing. Even the voting, which is always fadscinating, even if the new format this year was very badly handled by the Greeks and did really drag on too too long.
Except the music. That does little for me, but seems strangely incidental.
There are some good ones though, btu I can't define what I like.
The countries that take themselves and the show seriously always make me cringe (France, Ireland, Malta...) but this is more than made up for by the sheer bloody-mindnedness of the Baltic countries, for instance, who just get up there and have a laugh in the true spirit of the games.
My vote last night went to Lithuania for the chant "We Are The Winners" which had its tongue firmly in its cheek and was amazing to watch. I enjoyed the German country twang, the Danes twist (and the singer and Finland were, as usual so far off the wall I didn't think they had a chance. I had Croatia down too for their patriotic folk song.
The trouble with us entering as the "United Kingdom" means that we don't have that national identity to celebrate and our entries are invariably neither one thing nor another.

I remember a few years ago the Finnish entry was a guy rather like a young Gary Numan, with huge keyboards, dry ice and robot dancers. They've always been barking mad and its wonderful to see them getting their first win.

And it reinforces what I've felt for a while now that Scandinavian music is definitley int he ascendency. I'm into all their DJs and techno stuff especially, but Biosphere from Norway has just put out a stunning new album (not as good as Substarta, but still excellent) and the Finns do have some wonderful electronic rock bands.
I know the song thast won Eurovision was a piss-take, but how well they did it.

One of my life's ambitions is to go live to Eurovision.
One of my life's ambitions is to go to Finland.

Maybe I can wish for this in 2007?

Eurovison Rock - Alleluia!

Three today.

I'm not someone who gets offended when people offer to give us things.
All donations gratefully welcome.
I wonder about our worthiness, but its quite humbling to become aware of highly people think of us.

We have a roof box now for the holiday.
I went out this evening and bought the cross bars to fit it at the weekend.

I will be the proud owner of a signed copy of TCM in just a few days.
Crazy. Just for doing stuff I love to do.

An embarassing heart to heart with someone worthy of the utmost respect - being told how special, wonderful, inspiring we are. A "shining example" of family life and values. Too many adjectives to say here.
All too, too shy-making.
And a cheque to put towards a "much deserved" holiday...

You have made known to me the paths of life;
You fill me with joy (Acts 2:28)

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart

And I will not fear the evil day

Our church is a cellular church.
Within the congregation there are a number of samll cell groups which meet at various homes on Tuesdays Thursdays and Friday.
One is made of women only, newly formed as a growth from this year's Alpha course. Trx is in that. There are six others, all except two are new Christians.
There is one group of older people, lead by the vicar who is th eyoungest by twenty years.
There is another new Youth cell, which only met for the first time last month and has five members.
Then there are the three most established groups of mixed adults, includng the one I co-lead with Mrs Vicar.

Just got in from a meeting tonight of cell leaders and it was very encouraging.
For m, joining a cell ahs probably been the scariest, most intimidating thing I have ever done - and so of course its the most enlightening and rewarding. Comfortbaly say that I have grown more inthe last 18months through cell than through the wider church - particularly in terms of opening up and becoming more receptive to others.
But I belong to a cell that is now getting too big.
Two years ago, just before the curate and his wife left for ministry in France, they led the cell to its first 'split' - the first split of any cells since the model was first introduced to our church five years ago.
We are growing fast, and now at fourteen members I feel we have lost the intimacy that I enjoyed at the beginning.
There is less opportunity to lead, speak or read in a larger group and I think one or two of our newer members would benefit from these challenges.
I think a smaller group of seven is more attractive to newcomers and of course has more growth potential.

Suggested we think about this at the meeting tonight, and Mr Vicar was very encouraging, suggesting that by the time we resume in September we should have 'multiplied' (or divided??) into two groups, giving myself and Mrs Vicar the next half term to think about how best to do this.

It's quite a challenge, and we prayed tonight for guidance with this and some open-minded, clear vision for the best way to proceed. It's easy to put the best friends together for insstance, but we need to think about potential leaders in the future. Who can take the cell into 2007 with a view to having the same dilemma two years from now.
Who needs the challenge? Who really doesn't?
Who is ready? Who isn't?
Who has the strongest theological knowledge, the best vision. Interpersonal skills, spiritual maturity.

Scribbling a few notes just now I notice that I have, on every list, put myself and Mrs Vicar as each being leaders of a new cell.
Why's that? We get on brilliantl and work well togetehr I think.
But I also think I rely on her too much and need to face the responsibility of having my own group.
God is calling me to break out from under her wing now, and face a new more independent future.
So who comes with me, and who goes with her?
I am tempted to put the younger people in my group, but at the moment we enjoy a good balance. Is it wise to suggest married couples start going to different cells?
Probably not.
I'd want CB in my group because she's already stated that preference. She wouldn't come to cell at all if it wasn't for me. Thats easy. I want her there too.But not as a co-leader. Clare would be best for that.

Wow - there's a fox barking outside…

And I'd like to keep DT with me because we are getting on well now and I think he would find that more comfortable.
That's four already. Only two more. Hmm. D and S are the obvious choice, S being 'bezzzies' with Clare and the new baby on the way.
Six. Pete would then fit in well.

But then seeing who that leaves we have our three newest members with all the teachers??

It's going to be hard to make these choices. I'll arrange to talk about this in Wales with Mrs Vicar. Pray for some inspiration.

Today's the day it seems.
As promised, Fulfill are sent out pre-release orders of the new album yesterday, three weeks ahead of the official date which is now set for June 5th.
Everyone is going crazy at the forum and so far (of course) everyone loves it.
Having heard only Looped Los Angeles via the download on myspace I'm not yet in a position to comment, but that particular track is disappointing.
While still managing to sound like no-one else, Foxx somehow has made music that sounds like everyone else, if that makes sense.
Obviously, there's a clue in the title, but it does rather seem to go round and round without getting anywhere or saying anything in particular. It's being compared with Jean Michel Jarre which is a scary thought - when did he ever make anything 'out there'. Everyone is saying 'retro' but I can't see it in that piece.
Roll on June 5th

What bothers me is that whole confused mess about the way this release has been handled.
It's been a complete farce and does John's hitherto cast iron credibilty no favours at all. First the CD incorrectly cat-numbered AGAIN as META009CD (there has been no META008CD...). Last time this happened was in 2002 when TPOEcame out with the same cat-number as the previouos release, being META004CD
It's amateurish, unprofessional and embarassing. We've had sleevenotes with typing errors, incorrect tracklistings and incorrect facts in the past few years as well which is really unforgiveable.
There is no one person or agency responsible for this I dodn't think,a nd it would e unfair to blame Ma**ns as he's only been around for a year or so and has provoked John into more frenzied activity than perhaps ever before.
I just KNOW there will be a book within a year and within two years, John will be just another notch on the Ma**ns rise to fame - like Depeche Mode, Duran Duran and gary Numan.
But that's really John's problem. I amazed he can't see it and seems to be getting swept along. I would have given him rather more credit than that.

What does bother me more in all this is that the album release was announced way back in March and offered for sale on ebay before it was pressed and before the sleeve-art was printed.
People have paid upfront for something that doesn't even exist??
Are they stupid???????
And there is already talk of the next batch of releases we can expect this year.
What's NEXT??
This is on the day that people recieve the first electroni solo album by Foxx for nearly 20 years, aside from his Cathedral Oceans material.

Alll this shines a very positive bright light on the oasis of calmness and dignity that is metamatic.com, of which I have reassured RH this very evening.
This website, for all its quirks and (so far) lack of momentum, will be standing proud when all this has blown over.
We have perhaps missed the boat in terms of a "News" platform, but let myspace do that. It is no more perhaps than scribblings on the toilet door.
What we can build if the definitive archive resource - there will always be a history, and even more so now in this clamour for new material and new information.
We are doing the job properly, thoroughly and with assured authority. In a manner more true to John's own methods - not releasing anything until it is absolutely worthwhile and as correct as it can be.
There is a lot of frustartion to be weathered first, and at times he feels (not surprisingly) like throwing his hands in the air and saying "to hell with them all".
I can prevent this boiling over for I know we will get there.
Hares and tortoises and all that.
Standing when others around have been and gone.

How very like Liverpool FC that sounds.
I was very impressed with the reports I've read of the match on Saturday. It reminds me of the times I used to follow The Beautiful Game twenty odd years ago. They used to come from behind to win then - playing with calmness and not panicking. Respect for consistency of style and form.
It Ain't Over till It's Over...

Trx has gone out to cell.
I'm writing out a piece called "Walking Round The Garden" - an interview with John from 1986, recorded in his studio in Shoreditch.
That too has a mood of calmness and serenity.
Playing the album as well, which is very uplifting.
Kids all in bed.
Washing up sorted.
rain still pouring down outside.
Blackbird singing

Pater Noster
Qui est in caelis
Sanctificatur nomen tu-um"

Two late nights at the office taking their toll and I am knackered this evening.
Happier though. Feeling brighter.
We seem to be back on track having a chat again over a cuppa last night.
Seeing how much more relaxed she is without all that nonsense hanging over us has to be worth building on.

Sometimes, I am the stupidest person I know.
Not often mind you

Sometimes it takes a good result after a struggle in the office to get things looking better again.
Had a complete nightmare today trying to get these files for DK to open.
Actually, I am wondering why they feel the need for a new edition of their World Atls, which is a pretty stunning publication already??
ANyway, what do I know.

I tried for an hour at least to find a copy of Illustrator CS online. CS notice, not the new version CS2.
It is VERY HARD to buy old versions of software. Recently old, I mean.
Emailed MDVS and b*gger me if he didn't have a copy, and duly turned up with it a couple of hours later. Mid afternoon.
This was after I'd given up using Jo's machine last night. Too slow.
And in the way of course as she came back from the office today with a suntan and some biscuits.
CS duly installed on my machine - turns out to be older than the version the files were created in, and the import went all haywire!!!
Battled with this for another hour, and then finally tracked down a patch on Adobe's webshite which upgraded my version from 11.0.0 to 11.0.2 and voila! all is good.
Still occasionally unstable, but I can work with that.

This is particularly good because now I can work at my desk on my own machine DURING THE DAY TIME!! In the office now getting the ball rolling, but I have all day tomorrow to crack into it.

And news today that another example of my work has gone live online
Dee Caffari's Homecoming (The aviva challenge)
Click on the downlaod map of Ocean Village. That's me that is.:D

Funny, I am so NOT into sailing - oh, the irony of a VIP invite to Sunday's event !!

Got the Cocteau twins on. That's working well.
Ice Pulse is one of their best efforts.
Lullabies to Violaine is a wicked compilation.

Feeling better.
Sometimes working late and doing stuff of an evening puts it all out my head.

Then I come into the office tonight to work on the next phase of the DK World Atls (which arrived here Friday) and find I can't get Jo's machine to 'power up' I think the phrase is!
Obvious from the wires and cables everywhere that he's been in sometime over the weekend and disconnected it to plug another laptop into the network so that his partner can go online.
As far as I can see it has all been put together OK, but something's not happening!!

We have four terminals on this network. Mine, his, jo's and a spare.
HOW MANY TIMES have I mentioned using the spare for this kind of thing, and then you don't have to disconnect anything that works.!!
HOW MANY TIMES have I suggested he gets broadband at home???

Out of curiosity too (and of course to get some info of our client database...) I checked his internet history and again find it full of gay porn sites and regular visits to The Hun's yellow Pages.

PLEASE DO THIS KIND OF SH**T AT HOME! We really don't need it in the office.

I can't say anything because I don't suppose I should have been checking up and have no reason really to go online from his machine.
But I didn't deal with this last time he left printed stuff on his desk - and now look where we are.
What to do? What to do?

Not what i need on top of feeling rubbish again. We had to stop the car for me on the way to Mum's yesterday which is a first-ever. i came over all cold and felt dizzy and sick for half an hour.
Then it passed, so we went on.
Dosed up with pills after lunch and then promptly fell asleep on the sofa so they all went out for the afternoon without me! Being ill just makes me cross.
I strated to wonder while laying awake in the middle of the night whether or not the pain in my face which persists, the dizaziness, and the general lack of whizz is a sign that my hectic lifestyle is catching up with me.
Next week I am out and up to something every evening - which will be fun if I'm to get this work finished!!
perhaps that's beginning to be too much?
But that annoys me. I've always had plenty of reserve energy in my socks to take on stuff and do more things - perhaps I need a change of socks?

Something's going on, that's for sure...

…But you wouldn't understand
You only see we're men

Today has been a crap day.
Not entirely sure why, but I'm writing this now with a tear in my heart and a desire to go for a very long walk in a daze.
Just ambling along through the night for miles.
I just washed 100 wine glasses after the event at church.
I was distant with my team.
I know nothng about wine and couldn't get into it at all.
Just wish I'd gone on the panel with C.
She knew it would have wrorked for me, and to spite myself I declined.

We have a new garage door.
All white and shiny.
And an empty pot of money that used to be called The Holiday Fund.

Trx and I tried to get "it" together last night but I so messed up. Again.
It's so hard to understand how much that stupid operation last year has cost us. No-one told me to expect anythng like the confusion and turmoil I've been thru, and the shattering of any last remaining remnants of sexual confidence.
I pray for some way to have sexual 'desire' taken away too, with the snip.
Without that, I think the transistion to adulthood would be so much easier.
I just haven't a clue what I'm doing, where to start and really wish I could explain how disappointing and frutrating this whole thing is.
make the feeling s go away too and everything would be fine.

Another speeding fine came in the post this morning.
That's six points on my license this year.

We have to go up and see Mum and Dad tomorrow.
She will ask again why I still haven't been back to the hospital for another sperm count.
"It might be alright now." No, how can it be.
I went from less than 1% fertile up to 10% in a couple of months.
I have an abnormally high level of fertility.
Oh, really?
It's not going to go down again now is it.

I have to go in, face the 'count' and book myself in for another op.
Like I 'm going to do that in a hurry.
Little point really, when the last thing I want is to have sex anyway.

Trx seems to be OK with it so far, but then she's...
Not going there. Can't be bothered tonight.

Walk? read? Drink? Music?

Sleep...?

Last night went over to the church for one of the most inspiried meetings of our little Building Committee.
Having got the church open for Easter for a fraction of the cost we expected, and having been given the all clear by the insurance company, we now have pretty much a green light to do whatever we can with the place.

We're making an inventory of things people in the past have shown an interest in and will open for National Heritage Day later in the year.
These things include

The Organ - our most prized possession, built in the 17th century and once played on by Handel
The two Norman Stone coffins
Some medieval wall tiles.
the architect also designed St Pancras Station and the Foreign Office ( I think)
We have a WW1 memorial

a reasonable start, and enough to put a small leaflet together.
I'm also getting some pictures taken whch we can turn into a set of postcards and/or greetings cards to sell at fetes etc.
There's a massive list of funding opportunities that CB is going to work through.
First job is to get enough money to replace the drainpipes (about £5K) and then see about getting a water supply connected and a small kitchen area set up in the vestry.

There are now working parties in the church most weekends and the place is beginning to sparkle and hum with new life.
I WISH I could make the time to join in, especially this weekend as we start to repair some of the damaged floor tiles in the nave, but we're away again.

Another job is to look at comparative hire charges and get some reasonable idea together of what we can expect to charge.

This is mad.
April visitors to this blog were doouble those of March, which was itself double those for February.

Wow, thanks everyone. I think???

My garage door fell off this morning.
A replacement will cost about the same as a good quality roof box for the car for our holiday.
I blame the door falling apart on the very kind people who offered to lend us a roofbox a couple of days ago.

I have always said He has a great sense of irony.

HAd a very 'random' day today, after that first half hour's panic trying to shut it so it doesn't at least LOOK broken.
Meeting at the Urban Wildlfie Centre about some mapping for the BBC Springwatch. I love talking baout birds and wildliffe with clients (like at Shorefield) and this got me invited to do the checking of the mistnets with the ranger.
We found only onebird, but a Lesser Whitethroat, which I've not held in the hand before. Truly amazing. Ringed at the same place in September two years ago.
So TINY - and weighed less than nothing.
Then a quick drive up to see the great crested newts and some glorious green-winged orchids.
All in the name of work too. I love my job.

Even more hilarious when IW turned up having finished checking the Forest map for us. 750 miles driven in three days. Nutter!
he insisted we talk it thru in th epub - and three pints of "Young Tom" at 2pm is really more than I can handle these days.
Especially when it's boiling hot outside.

When is Adobe going to invent a good spreadsheet package so we don't have to use fekking Microsoft products at all. It seems Excel stands alone as perhaps the only reason to use MS.
WORD is such a piece of crap.

I get CVs all the time written in Word.
For a graphics job??
12pt Times New Roman doesn't inspire confidence...

Ho hum. Kids today

D and I had another example this morning of how many world's there are between our relative understanding of each other.
His girlfriend has just bought him a pen.
A "cool, trendy, stylish' pen. For meetings and that?
Meetings?
Yeah, y'know, so that I have a cool pen in meetings.
We have pens.
Yes, but this is a special pen.
A special pen?
Yeah, y'know, it's gonna be great.

Please tell me we don't do business with people who care about what sort of pen you have in a meeting???
You'll be suggesting they notice what brand of shirt you wear next...

Do we really want to work with people who judge us in this way?

I can hear him now.

'hang on, let me just right that down.' Elaborate gesture. 'Do you like my new pen...?'

Phewww - I ache!
If the Lord had meant me to dig up tree stumps he would have blessed me with upper body strength instead of an ability to make pastry.
It might not sound like an effort, but for me two hours digging, brushing, persuading, coaxing and brutally hacking a stubborn lump of wood is quite enough for one evening.
I've got one of those weird wobbly nervous twitches in my hand now so I'm typing very slowly!
Got the bugger to at least move though, and I can see the last artery of life that I need to sever some other time.
It will be good to get it done, so we can think about booking in blokey to build The Wall. This seems to have become T's "nest-building" project, so I can see why she's keen to get on with it.
I noticed today she's been clearing a lot of ivy and general crap from around the fally-downy-fence. So the sooner we get it sorted the better.
Book him in first, and then think about finding the money later.
Offering this daily as one of our more trivial prayers - that sufficient money comes our way not only in time for the holiday but also to "do the garden".

Having said that, money is steadily trickling in to the office now that the guide is out and doing its own thing. We have posted over a 1000 and get a dozen or so enquiries a day since the Press Release went 'live' at the weekend.
Also managed to get a payment out of LJ (owed since feb) and - shock horror - First Bus, whom we invoiced in November.
D today visited another restaurant that owes us from the Southampton VG and picked up £500. Only one of those left now.

Spent three hours at the Cruise terminals today becasue I now feel involved with the project and have decided I can mangae the campaigns effectively. D is totally useless at this side of things and totally disinterested in a poster once its up on the wall. he can't do logistics or planning, so that will be where I can keep the idea going. As I've said before, it's relatively easy to sell a good idea.
But we need to still be running media campaigns at the sites in ten years time, and that is much harder.

It's now come about that we can a) organise a tour of the sites for councillors and media-buying agencies and have catering at one of the terminals and b) arrange for Sunseeker (or similiar) to put a boat on display in one of the halls during the boat show!
We need to get some idea of how much things like that are worth and charge accordingly.
Another exciting opportunity.

Back into the Foxx media archive tonight, realising that I haven't done much work on this over the last couple of weeks.
I'm still playing Tangent Man, that's half the problem.
My comments on the Forum about "Looped Los Angeles" have made people think, whcih is no bad thing. To be honest, I have a very low opinion of the track and have already stopped playing the download. First hearing it didn't inspire me, and now I've given up after about three plays.
Sorry, John you've surprised me. It's like JMJ's incidental 'muzak' and a real disappointment. I've tried to be objective, but so far my opinion has not gone down well!

Tonight though I've managed to catch up with an interview from an Australian magazine called "Tension" from November 83 (although RH has noted this was published in April 84) which is one of the best I've ever read. fascinating insight to his thinking behind some of the music, and evidence again that he is more influenced by art that music.
Also transcribed four reviews - two live ones that don't do the band any favours on their 78 HaHaHa tour and two glowing appraisals of the Systems of Romance album. Personally, I prefer the former but I'm not getting into that again.
I've added a couple of anecdotes to the biography, and corrected some details on the timeline.
Seems JFAM was written in January of 1978, the same time as "Quiet Men" under the working title "Listening To the Music The Machines Make"

Next batch is the really fascinating stuff from the Garden Studio post 1985, just before he "disappeared up his own backside" for ten years.

In between this tho I keep wandering off into the geek-infested world of roof boxes! Had my dad on the phone earlier with details of a baragin he's found.
trouble is, my parents do have a taste for cheap crap, and I don't really want to go there. Probably worth checking out tho - some of the online reviews I've read have given me some clues what to look out for.

Annual Garage clear-up this weekend.
Finding lost balls, screws and tools.
Sweeping the floor.
Throwing away loads of crap.
EVEN - and I can see my dad smiling to himself about this - banging random nails in the wall to hang things on!
Stan can now get his bike out without fear of garden rakes or loppers falling on his head.
Found we have three pushchairs, so delivered one of those to some friends.

Seems every time we go out these days, someone has hung somethng on the door or the gate by the time we get back.
Today it was a bag of wellies, and we still regularly get all sorts of clothes, books and toys.
These all get sorted, bagged into sizes and age ranges and then stored in the loft.
Then various people are offered stuff, and everything gets moved around.
Always people ringing saying "I'm looking for a so-and-so" and we invariably have something in the loft somewhere.
LC's been very lucky especially because someone we know has decided that one child is enough for them and they are passing all their clothes down to her. Most of it is brand new and has only een worn once.
Terrible waste otherwise, and this stuff very effectively replaces some of the worn-out things that fall off the other end of the cycle.

Babies names are settled. ???. Well, for now anyway. Dorothy Grace. Name comes from one of my great-aunts and means "a gift from God". Perfect. Fits nicely in with the older-style names for the other kids, its unusual but not silly, and has at least a vague family connection.
Trx is keen for the middle name to begin with 'M' like the other girls, but we are uninspired so far.