… that's what Rolf would say. The first thing to do when staring at a blank canvas, feeling intimidated by the whiteness and emptiness of it.
I feel like that with this. Sitting in the park, watching people passing and earlier this morning on the bridge while walking into work listening to birdsong. I don't know what to write.
Weird feeling. Tired, probably.

That's as far as I got at lunchtime, when the first time almost ever I came out of the city record library having failed to find anything to inspire me. There's usually at least five or six albums that I have to decide between, but today there seemed nothing I wanted to hear. Even those I've picked up and put back in favour of something else on previous occasions.
How can you have ten gazillion albums to choose from and not have anything you want to listen to?
Flicked idly thru my iTunes collection this afternoon as well while the others were out and nothing hit me. Settled on Another Green World which worked well enough, but Before and After Science just annoyed me. In the end I fell back on Heart on Snow.

Maybe I'm too busy?
It's beginning to worry me that my role in the company is the source of a bottleneck as far as work is concerned. There is only so much I can produce to the standard I am happy with, and I'm beginning to feel that under pressure now as we get more and more jobs in everyday. I can see Morgan's point that we should invest further in another member of staff to take some of the admin load and free up my time to actually produce stuff. In the longer term, this allows turnover to continue rising and thus increases the sell-on value of the company. But a) we have no plans to "sell on" the company, and b) we need to enjoy the fruits of our labours in finacial form ourselves in the short term for as long as we possibly can.
Already the bonus I took at the end of March has all but gone. Well used tho, as the credit card bills have been falling now for 18months and are much more manageable.
Christmas 2004 it peaked at about £15K, but now the figure is down to below £8 and I would like to see it down to less than £5K by the end of next year. My previous business loan is paid off this November too which is great, and frees up another £150 a month. Add to that the £350 each month we pay off and we have effectively got £500 more!
Better than taking that as extra pay of course, because it won't immediately affect our Tax credits, which I think we can hang onto for another year. As we start to pay out less we will feel more comfortable, enabling me (I hope) to put both mine and D's salary onto a higher and more realistic level this time next year.

I'm in a position now to be able to transfer balances comfortably between cards which does actually save quite a bit. Two years ago I got an Abbey card when they offered 9months interest free on transfers, so I put the Barclaycard balance on that. Just recently, I transferred what was left back, so now the Abbey card is at zero and there's 3,500 on Barclays at lower interest. Barclays? Lower? I know - it is at the moment of transfers. Otherwise of course, they are shit.
Also have Mint which I opened similarly to transfer a Lloyds TSB balance onto.
Between them, these four juggle the outstanding balance and, as I said, we haven't actually put anythng on them for well over a year.
The companies hate that of course. Neither my Mint or Abbey cards have been 'activated' in all that time, and I get letters politely suggesting that I should start to 'enjoy the benefits of being a cardholder'. I can't actually see any?
And every three months or so the credit limit is increased.
That's so ridiculous. I tried to apply for a different card about six months ago, to give me another balance transfer opportunity, but it seems the credit rating we have is so crap now what with missed mortgage payments and late card cheques etc that i couldn't get an account. And yet at the same time, companies with whom I already have an account, seem eager to put my credit limit UP?? I think Mint especially (MBNA??) are really silly with this. I now have, I think, a £7.5K credit limit or something ridiculous??
The way I understand it, and what I intend to do, is settle the outstanding £300 on Abbey this month, bringing me to zero. Then cancel the account, send the card back - no longer be an account holder. Credit history improves this way I think.
Three months down the line I will be enticed back as a 'new' customer, and therefore offered zero balances on transfers for a longer opening period. Result.
Seems quite encouraging now I've written it down.
We have chipped away at least £7K since the peak of our struggle, and survived.
Making payments as soon as the bill comes in means the interest owed next month is less than it would be if you wait until due date to pay. And of course the interest amount is less now, because we have smaller outstanding balances. Bringing them all (four) down slowly together has helped with this, rather than focussing on paying one of completely but leaving the others high.

I didn't expect to sit here and rant about money. Funny how things turn.
Cell tonight was good because Cx was there, and book group last night was inspired by the glowing presence of the very lovely Isobel. It's all about people.
Decline and fall went down well enough with the seven that turned up, but its disappointing that we don't get the full 12-14 anymore. We talked of shifting venues, and times, and I have decided I will persevere a bit longer. Satre next The Age of Reason whcih really should provoke an interesting chat in The Dolphin next month.

An answered prayer. Cx is standing for PCC despite leaving the Administrator's job tomorrow and starting at University in September. We need her experience and skills, and I need to be able to watch her smile across the table. I'd even miss the childish pen-poking and writing silly notes on my arm.

Already half-eleven, but I still fidget. Bed now is not the place to fidget as Trx needs her sleep and is struggling more every day of the holidays.
I can feel the ghostly wanderings returning and I'm looking for inspiration.
Last night was good. I wrote 2000 words and moved the biog on into a section I've been dreading. Of course its not as bad once you get there, and perhaps now, if I keep the momentum going I can move on into the summer of 1980 and start on a new period that I haven't already tried to write six million times before.
I've got a chunk written beginning late in 1981 that I did almost a year ago, on The concept of The Garden, so I have about three difficult months to get over and I can meet him again in Belgium, taking a leading role in the establishment of Crepuscule. Not sure quite how and why he got there, but I have my suspiscions as to who it involved. Fascinating to get in a bit more about this period actually, and an opportunity to read some more of Richard Jobson's bizarre poetry.