Scott Walker, of course. Brilliant.
As usual, the return to GMT brings with it one of the longest days of the year. Far from an extra hour in bed, the children awake instead at their customary hour of 7am, though this morning of course that meant six. To great excitement, with sunshine pouring through the windows and a huge column of smoke rising from the University campus and filling the morning sky. We all watched out of the windows as two helicopters and a twin otter circled the fire, twelve engines and numerous ambulances rushing to the site. The computer suite at the HIghfield completely gutted and all roads in the vicinity closed all day. Pray God no-one was hurt - perhaps the early hours of a Sunday morning is the safest tiem for such a disaster.

It seemed an age till church at 11, but a time I spent with Flo and Biscuit mainly cooking. We prepared a pumpkin soup for lunch and a pie for tonight's meal. Sadly once again the service was disjointed and disorganised, falling far short of any spiritual challenge or fulfillment. It seems I forget completely about cell on Thursday evening, engrossed as I was in conversations with the girls about existentialism and A level chemistry! Sartre has always irritated me, his teachings seem arrogant and antagonistic for no good reason. Rallying against the system has its place and I'm all for intelligent questioning of the way things are, but to deliberately challenge everything and take on "the system" in all its form purely for the sake of argument seems to me to result only in a constant sate of unhappiness , dissatisfaction and distrust.
A position Kink's mother has adopted most of her life to the extent that she now lives a sad life alone and friendless in a house full of bags of old rubbish with newspapers and bin bags covering the windows. Hardly existential I know if life is measured in terms of one's achievements, but somehow I equate this with a constant barrage of mistrust of other people and the ways of the world.
The more time I spend with Kink of late, the more I fear for her and grow to dislike those aspects of her personality that bring memories of her mother to mind all too readily. She is quick to critise and challenge, argues black is white from a point of view that is often quite simply factually wrong; more often than not refusing to go out and seldom interacting with anyone. Particularly public figures - shop assistants, bank tellers, barmen and the like,preffering instead to shop and bank on ebay and converse with her 'friends' purely on MSN.
She said yesterday though that she feels she "comes alive" in Southampton, where no-one knows her and she feels she can relax. Ceratinly these last two days have brought her out of herself a lot - there has been laughter, baby-carrying, swing-pushing and conversation with Trx, all of which happen but rarely yet truly sparkle and are encouraging to behold.

My mind rattles now like a pinball machine. Tx has set in motion the idea that, perhaps after Christmas, we consider having her come and live with us. I'm not sure yet quite where it has come from, but she suggests it might be in the longterm good for the girl, who turns 19 at the end of November. She is already looking for reasons to put off her second driving test and will be spending £300 extending her web-design course to May simply because she hasn't been motivated enought to finish next month in time for this round of exams. It is all symptomatic of a fear of what to do next, where the future lies and what direction she should take. The talk now and all the plans (on the web and scribblings on paper) are of buying a house! She has tthe ridiculous notion that in six months time "when I get my job" that she will be able to get a mortgage and buy somewhere. It won't just happen, I know it. She will no doubt pass the course but her grade will be lower than her expectations, and she will only be put forward as a suitable candidate for any jobs that are on offer. There will still be travelling involved, portfolios to prepare and interview panels to face - none of which she will feel confident about and each of which will cause unease and internal traumas.
Is it not therefore in her best interests that she comes to stay with us? becomes part of a structured, disciplined household, and receive gentle encouragement, motivation and persuasion during a difficult time.
There is so much to think about and I pray for guidance and the strength,as her father, to do the right thing. I will put in motion the search for a part time job for her here, perhaps with aspace?, and Trx and I will talk the idea thru at length.

She sleeps now with such beauty and grace, exhausted by an evening with the tired and excited children in her care. I left the house at 5.30 to take the girls back to Oxford (in the dark) not returning until after 9. Would that I could stay longer in this fair place, to walk the cobbled streets and breath the walls… This leaves her to bath and put them all to bed well in time for a good sleep before they start school again in the morning. And she has also washed up in that time, tidied the lounge of toys and the loft of bedding and washing, put out the fire and cleaned the grate, fed the cats. A lot of which she doesn't need to do, but takes on in order that I can return to tea and toast in a quite, glowing house of peace and love.

Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses…
Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us